Thursday 21st January, 2010

It is bin collection day on the last part of my route to the station, and the wheelie bins (surrounded by small mountain ranges of extra sacks due to recent missed collections) stand proudly on the pavement outside their owners’ houses. All except for one house. Why? Terrible schoolboy error? Eco over-friendly? Given up and visited the local tip? Assumed the service has been withdrawn?

Turns out to be none of the above. On closer inspection it transpires that there is, in fact, a bin on the pavement, in front of the hedge, but said bin has been cleverly camouflaged by a sort of plastic sheath decorated to resemble the hedge, a sort of wheelie bin condom if you like. Magnificent! Are they commercially available? I must investigate. I suppose the only trouble with disguising it as a hedge is that the bin collectors might miss it. I wonder if they do a Tardis version?

I arrive at the station to see a train standing at platform 1. There is a suspicious sort of general milling around and vague indecision that suggests to my, by now finely honed, instincts that this sucker ain’t going anywhere soon. However I am told by the nice man at the barrier that it is in fact the delayed 0806 to Sevenoaks, fast to St Pancras, and that it will leave as soon as the driver gets into his cab. Foolishly I take this to mean that said driver is poised like a coiled spring, just waiting to leap in and press the go button. I hear a whistle and jump on board the train, ignoring the obvious danger signs (lots of empty seats, large crowd on platform 3,...).

Turns out the whistle was for the Northbound train on platform 2, and I watch it pull out. Shortly afterwards, from the comfort of my seat, I also watch the 8.16 fast into London arrive at, and set off from platform 3. Oh dear.

Then comes the announcement: Blah, blah, FCC regret to inform that the 08.06 to Sevenoaks will be delayed by approximately..... and that’s it. We have to guess. Delayed by what? Approximately 15 minutes? Approximately 2 hours? Approximately three cows? Approximately total and utter incompetence? We are left to guess.

Then comes a further announcement. It seems the original driver had been taken ill but not to worry, we’ll be on our way just as soon as the relief driver gets here. He is currently on his way from ... (what’s it to be? Radlett? Birmingham? Sydney?) ... platform 3. Phew.

The announcement continues – ‘this train will be fast to St Pancras, then all stations to Sevenoaks ….. I believe.’ What? You believe? Are you announcing some sort of epiphany, or do you really not know where this train is going (and stopping)?

The driver arrives. Turns out he also believes. We proceed – fast to St Pancras, then to Farringdon. That’ll do me nicely and, at least until the next journey, I also believe.