Thursday 14th January, 2010

It’s raining this morning. This has 2 effects on the walk to the station: 1 - I am showered with slush by several passing cars; and 2 – it is incredibly slippery. I arrive at the station wet and exhausted from clambering over the bodies of fallen comrades.

However I am pleased to note that the new improved revised timetable appears to be in operation, albeit every train still seems to be either delayed (or cancelled). My best hope is a semi fast train to Sevenoaks due next on platform one.

I hover near the stairs, fearing a late alteration, but the train arrives at the advertised time, and seating room is available. This presents me with the sort of regular dilemma that I used to face in the good old days when the service was merely crap. I am faced with 2 rows of 3 seats, opposite one another. Both window seats are occupied, one of the aisle seats is occupied. I have a bag, and a dripping wet umbrella. Which seat do I choose?

Factors to consider include:
(1) Seat width. Who have FCC’s train seats been designed for? Supermodels? Stick insects? Certainly not me and I am certain that, in common with most other aspects of my being, my width is no greater than average.
(2) Leg room. Clearly better if there is nobody opposite, although this will inevitably last for only one stop.
(3) Temperature. The heater runs along the side of the carriage. When on it can be unbearably hot, but it is impossible to predict when this will be (there is no clear correlation with the external weather conditions). However this is not a factor on this occasion as the window seats are not available.
(4) Precipitation. If it is raining outside it can also rain inside if you sit in either the window or middle seat and wet bags or umbrellas have been put in the overhead luggage rack.
(5) Ease of entry and exit. Entry and exit from either the central or window seats requires significant co-operation from your fellow passengers (not always forthcoming).

I usually conclude that the best option is an aisle seat on the basis of seat width and ease of exit. Also, following a trick learned from a colleague when boarding an easyjet flight, if both aisle and window seats are occupied, and you studiously avoid eye contact then, rather than aiming for the empty middle seat, passengers boarding later will tend to opt for seats elsewhere that are more easily accessible.

So I settle into the empty aisle seat, stowed my dripping possessions behind the seat, and enjoy a comfortable journey to Radlett. More passengers join and, although I studiously study my book it is no use, there are more passengers than seats, and one chap is clearly aiming to squeeze himself into the middle seat. He is solidly built, most likely a sporting chap, and I can see that I am about to have an uncomfortable problem.

The mechanics work something like this:
(1) a person wider than supermodel inserts themselves into center seat;
(2) the resulting physical forces act simultaneously on the people in the window and aisle seats;
(3) the pelvis of person in window seat is prevented from moving any further by wall of carriage;
(4) therefore the only ‘give’ is the person in the aisle seat, who is forced out into the aisle, the extent of their movement being dictated by the amount by which the width of the new arrival exceeds the width of the seat.

When inserting themselves into the center seat the experienced traveler may also adopt the ‘leading shoulder’ technique, which involves first putting one shoulder into the back of the seat, and then sliding across such that the shoulder of the person in the aisle seat is also forced out, and away from the seat in favour of the new occupant’s shoulder. When the new arrival is of, say, rugby playing size the effect is proportionally increased.

In this case the leading shoulder technique was not used. However a significant portion of my left buttock was still left dangling over the void. At the next stop, Estree & Borehamwood, I noticed a peculiar new physical experience. For some reason at that stop the tracks seem to tilt gently away from the platform. The result is a further force on the occupant of the aisle seat both from the tilt of the train, and the resulting additional force from the person in the center seat. The natural response is to look for something to hang on to but, short of grabbing a stranger’s leg, gripping opportunities are limited. What appears to happen instead is that the left buttock, which (in common with the right buttock) I had previously regarded as largely decorative, becomes a sort of clasping tool, thus exercising a small, but sufficient, amount of grip on the seat cushion. Quite effective it was too, albeit not entirely comfortable, and I was relieved when we pulled out of the station.

The rest of the journey continued in relative comfort. Unfortunately the rest of the journey was only as far as West Hampstead. Incredibly it seems that, in the all pervading cold and damp that seems to have decimated the service in recent weeks, something has remained dry enough to spontaneously combust in Central London with the result that no trains would proceed through London for the second successive day.

Here is an extract from the FCC live updates page on their website for Brighton to Bedford services for your further amusement:
'This train will be terminated at London Bridge. It will call additionally at: London Bridge. It will no longer call at: Preston Park, Hassocks, Burgess Hill, Wivelsfield, Haywards Heath, Three Bridges, Gatwick Airport, East Croydon, London Bridge, London Blackfriars, City Thameslink, Farringdon, St Pancras International, St Albans City, Luton Airport Parkway, Luton, Flitwick and Bedford. This is due to a problem currently under investigation.'