22nd to 26th February, 2010

Minutes from FCC's February board meeting:

Managing Director: Right, now that the snow's over we really need to get back onside with our customers. Any ideas?

Operations Director: What about some new trains to improve reliability and customer comfort.

Managing Director: Bloody ridiculous. That'll cost far too much. We've already bought them three new trains, and we turned those into six by chopping them in half. What more do you think they want?

Operations Director: Ok, how about we just get the old trains in, clean them up a bit, paint all the poles inside the carriage with some of that shocking pink we've got left over and tell them we've made them more reliable. That ought to keep them happy.

Managing Director: Brilliant.

Customer Services Director: What about offering them a few free tickets?

Managing Director: Are you having a laugh. You caused enough trouble last time when you offered them 5 free days travel. And when that wasn't good enough for the miserable gits those government johnnies made us pretend to offer them more. I spent a whole journey to work in my chauffeur driven limo working out that a 5% discount off a season ticket cost about the same as 5 free days travel. If you think I'm going through that again you must be off your head.

HR Director: Well, it's nearly Spring, the sun will be out, the trees will be green. If we plant a few daffodils near the stations and put some fluffy lambs in the fields next to the tracks then they'll soon all be smili .....

Managing Director: Why don't you just shut up and get out.

HR Director: What?

Managing Director: You heard me.

HR Director: I ... I ... I'm telling on you. I'm going to phone the anti-bullying helpline.

Managing Director: The anti-bullying helpline. You'd be better off emailing our customer services team, now GET OUT!

Marketing Director: What about a book club.

Managing Director: What the hell are you talking about.

Marketing Director: A book club. Think about it. We pick a Book of the Month. Doesn't have to be any good, just whatever turkey a publisher will offer us most money to promote. Get them to give us a few free copies of from their unsold stockpile. Then we do a profit share deal with Smiths and give the punters a pound off, so it will still cost them more than if they bought it off Amazon. We get them to send in reviews and offer a prize for the best one.

Managing Director: Prize? That sounds expensive.

Marketing Director: No, we just give them a copy of the book they've just read. The punters will love it. They'll be so busy reading that they won't notice how bad the service is.

Managing Director: I love it. Get it done, now.

Revenue Maximisation Director: Yeah, and we could get the ticket inspectors to give on the spot fines to anyone we find reading a different book.

Managing Director: Now you really are taking the p**s ...

And so the FCC Book Club is born! I'm serious. Put 'book club' into their website search engine to find out more. Here's what they have say about it:

'Each month we will be reviewing a range of titles and selecting a Book of the Month for your reading enjoyment. You will be able to read an extract from the book, receive an exclusive discount on each title, as well as have the chance to win great competition prizes. Plus if you are one of the first to send us your review you could win a signed copy of the book!'

Fantastic! Their first book of the month is 'Evidence' by Jonathan Kellerman, and you can download a voucher to save £1 off the purchase price at WH Smith. That should bring it down to £16.99, a mere £5.50 more than the Amazon price. I've already sent them my review. It read: 'It's really great. My train journey flew by.' I'll let you know if I get my free copy.

A pretty good travel week, at least from Monday to Thursday.

Chuckle of the week came on Thursday morning aboard the 8.15 semi-fast from St Albans. We stopped at Mill Hill and waited, and waited a bit more. Eventually we heard the announcement: 'Would the passenger who is blocking the doors please stop so we can get on our way.' We waited some more. Then 'I'm not going to come down and help you. Holding the doors open isn't going to do you any good. You are only delaying the train. If you want to recover your property you will have to let the train go and ask the station staff to get it for you.'

It seems that some poor soul had dropped something down the side of the train and decided that the best way to retrieve it was to stop the train. To give them some credit, I suppose at least they gained the attention of the platform crew. I wonder what it was, and whether they did get it back. Eventually we were on our way and, as we pulled out of the station, I thought I caught sight of someone sitting on the platform naughty step.

Then came Friday morning. I arrived at St Albans in time for the 8.16, which appeared to be standing at the platform. Early? Surely not. No. Turned out to be the 8.11, still sitting in the station. With the 8.16 shown as on time I decided not to board the already crowded 8.11 and wait for a seat instead. Turned out to be a long wait. A train had 'broken down' at City Thameslink. For some reason this was preventing any trains, Northbound or Southbound, travelling through London and had brought the entire line to a halt (apart, of course, from the East Coast mainline pleasure trip specials which continued to thunder past with the commuter network at a standstill).

Around 40 minutes later the 8.11 set off. FCC's habit at these times is to get back on schedule by rebranding some trains that are already en route, and terminating others at random stations without warning. Today was no exception. The 8.11 set off as the delayed 8.11. Then the two 8.16s had mysteriously merged into one, and so on.

But today was the day that people power prevailed, as FCC decided to terminate one Southbound service at Cricklewood. This service was originally intended to travel through London and, as far as I know, wasn't even supposed to stop at Cricklewood. To their great credit some passengers refused to get off. Despite threats from the driver to call the police the mutinous passengers prevailed and the service continued. Well played!

You can bet that next time the train will have developed a mysterious fault!